I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
