why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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