im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
