Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
