My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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