dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
