i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
