Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
