I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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