remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
