I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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