And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
