I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
