Pappa wants mamma naked
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
