I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
