My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
