it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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