Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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