Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
dude i'm inner monologue high
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
