i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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