Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
