Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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