After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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