dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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