Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
