My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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