so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
