even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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