Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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