my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
