I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I can't put those talents on a resume
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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