Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
