I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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