I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
