If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
