she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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