I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
