This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
