This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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