I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
