my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
