Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
