apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
