My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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