I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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