Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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