That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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