The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
