my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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