I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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