I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish you could order shots online.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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