Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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